Hands Clean

The Kirito x Kohta Archive

Home	Pierrot	Fanfiction	Fandoodles	Gallery	Crap for your Comp	Links
Home Sweet Home	the band	our daydreams	eye candy	funny photos	mascots, downloads	the rest of the net

*~HANDS CLEAN~*

by Tashy

Title: Hands Clean

Author: Tashy

Email: bloody_powder_snow@hotmail.com

Archive: sure...

Comments: Song-fic based on the song "Hands Clean" by Alanis

Morrisette. When I heard it I instantly thought, 'kirito x kohta!

kirito x kohta!' Yes, I am a sick puppy. So if you haven't heard the

song, download it. Maybe it'll help while reading this fic. :3 It's

in first person, Kirito's pov. //this// means song lyrics. I wish I

could have made them italicized but..what'reya gonna do, yanno?

Genre: Angst? Romance?

Rating: R for the fact that it's incest?

Pairing: Kirito x Kohta, Kohta x Jun

***

You can still tell, can't you. The way I look at you is different

then it was before. My piercing stare has unwillingly softened

somewhat. It hurts.

There were times when we were alone that I wondered if you were going

to be the one. Yes, the one that everyone talks about, the one that

is supposed to make their lives perfect and give new meaning to the

word `love'. I suppose that in a way, you have done that.

Honestly? I don't know how it happened. Somewhere along the way I

fell in love with you. And I'm sorry, I really am. I know I've caused

you more pain than I'm worth, I know that I've scarred your life

beyond repair. But I can't help the fact that you are so irresistible

to me. Behind those brown eyes there's an overwhelming amount of

understanding and knowledge about the world around us. There's pain

hidden deep within breaches I don't want to go to, there's laughter

hidden in the cracks.

//If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened

If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to

control myself//

You were such a troubled child. At first I thought maybe you'd turn

out exactly like me, and I feared that. I didn't want you to turn

into some mindless zombie who sat in the library some afternoons just

to read. I didn't want you to come home crying because your so-called

friends only wanted you for knowledge, I didn't want you to go into a

world believing you were completely alone.

So I nudged you along. Somewhere along the way you became your own

person, got your own friends, and I was happy for you.

But you came crawling back in the end.

And I gave you the life you had been craving. I gave you music. I

gave you the band.

//If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and

If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much//

Today at practice you two were there. Smiling, giggling. You wrapped

your arms around him and he smiled up at you with such adoration it

almost burnt.

I walked past you silently, swiftly, just as painfully quick as I

jumped out of your future.

I still haven't told anyone. I will never tell anyone. I know it

would hurt you to be forced to remember, and if you want it to be

forgotten so be it. I'll forget the soft touches, the caresses into

the night, the whispered words I was told in the deep dark of the

night as you looked up at me with innocence and a sense of belonging

welled up in me.

But I can't help but push upon him my hatred. It makes him feel

uneasy.

Well, this whole situation makes –me- feel uneasy. And you are

blissfully unaware.

//This could be messy

But you don't seem to mind

Don't go telling everybody

And overlook this supposed crime//

The conversation we had a little longer than a year ago is branded in

my memories, returning to haunt me whenever I close my eyes. I see

your face, tears of fury streaming down tan cheeks. I see my

reflection in your eyes, a dull, blank man with crossed arms and

tousled black hair. Inwardly I was gasping for breath. An invisible

fist had torn out my insides and I saw them hanging in front of me,

dripping fluids and blood.

"Go AWAY! I'm sick of coming home and feeling guilty when I look at

you! I want out!"

"…"

"It's so wrong…how…how could I love you?"

"I thought I taught you better than this, Kohta."

"I'm sorry. I just…can't do this anymore. Please, don't tell anyone

that our relationship existed…I don't want to—I can't— face their

judgement…"

And the hole in my heart still hasn't been filled since that night.

//We'll fast forward to a few years later

And no one knows except the both of us

And I have honored your request for silence

And you've washed your hands clean of this//

I guess you've been forgiven for your sins…? Is that what you wanted,

otouto? You didn't want to face the opinions of those who wouldn't

see it the way you and I did. You didn't want to risk your pride just

for me.

I guess I really haven't taught you anything at all. You're still the

little insecure boy I knew when I was ten.

I saw your lips form the word `grotesque'.

And all I wanted to do was grab you and hold you, and feel your soft

breath against my skin and remember that you were mine, and mine

alone.

But now I'm not even allowed the memory of those times.

The taint flew from your hands to mine when you walked out the door

that night.

//What part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?

What part of your memory is selective and tends to forget? //

I guess all that matters now is that you have attained happiness.

When the other two left to work on the music for another one of my

heart-wrenching songs, and when it was just us three alone in the

room, I could feel the tension. You'd like to pretend that it never

existed, and I've complied with your wishes completely. But I know he

knows something. Somewhere in the back of his mind he's doubtful.

That brings a horrible laugh to my ears.

Do you remember the way I used to make you feel? The delicate moans

that formed from your mouth, your teeth moving to clamp onto my

shoulder as I touched you in places you never imagined I'd touch you?

Of course not. You've hidden everything in another one of those

crevices only I can see in your eyes.

Our mother believed me a disgusting creature. She knew how I felt and

she shunned it. She left red marks on my cheeks as I tried to explain.

You took the easy way out.

Pathetic.

//Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your

family

We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner

posse//

Soon the memories will wash over me and I'll be left with the

emptiness I held before you. I'll stay in my study on weekends and

submerge myself in a book or two, trying to forget the truth of my

dreams.

I'll become the man I never wanted you to be.

And when you hear my tortured screams from hell, I bet you'll laugh.

Because you escaped.

//Don't go telling everybody

And overlook this supposed crime//

…You've washed your hands clean of this…