Author: Alexandra, Kohta Lover Extraordinaire

Email: utsukushiiaiji@yahoo.com (I'll have to get a name with Kohta in there some time XD~)

Genre: The most fucked up thing I could think of / very OOC

Pairing: Kirito has who he fancies?

Rating: XXX for disturbing themes, but eh, you can handle it if you've read my other stuff I believe

Comments: I had the idea for this awhile ago, but for some reason (like a couple other fics) I had a burst of writing it and then just totally ignored it, most probably because I was afraid of scaring people with it. The first part isn't bad (I don't think), but this is one of those fics where the following conversation took place in my mind:

*looking at mag*
Alex: Wow, Pierrot is such a talented and interesting band.
Evil Alex: Yeah man, Kirito looks so crazy in that sexy sadistic manner you always rave about.
Good Alex: And Kohta looks so wholesome for a young man, despite the piercings and the badass thing. Your parents would be so happy if you married a young man like that.
Alex: What about Aiji?
Evil Alex: Total uke material. Who cares what anyone else thinks. And you wish you were that thin.
Alex: Yeah, you're right.
Good Alex: I think we're missing the point here! While Kirito and Aiji might stir your shameful lust-filled S&M fantasies that would give your father a heart attack lest he ever read them, Kohta provides you with something more normal to fantasize about. And sweet lord, do you need some more normal fantasies.
Alex & Evil Alex: You know, she's right. I really need to screw up that 'normal/wholesome/strangely erotic with his kindness in my dreams' image I have in my head.
Evil Alex: Fic time!
Alex: Score!
Good Alex: No wait! Dammit, that isn't what I meant!
Evil Alex: Here, I'll think of the most depraved situation I can with your three fav Pierrot members and you write it, okay?
Alex: Yeah sure, and make sure it's something original okay?
Evil Alex: You got it. Just keep looking at pics and I'll have the plot done in a few minutes.
Good Alex: For fuck's sake WAIT!!! Don't ruin Kohta like you did everyone else! You'll be sorry when everyone wonder's what crack your smoking for writing this! It'll be worse than Strange Love, so there!
Alex: .....Are you still here? How many rounds of binge drinking and killing kittens do I have to go through to get rid of you? That's it, time for a cigarette. If I can't get you, cancer will! Mwa ha ha ha ha!
*wanders outside to kill herself a few years early*

....Something like that at any rate. Well, please attempt to enjoy it, seeing as the next thing I churn out will prolly be more Janne stuff *cough* ^^;; And remember, I really do like Kohta, honest! We uh, treat those closest to us the worst at times? I feel the need to tear apart everyone I love? Uhhh....

...he likes it?

~*~

It must have been fate that decreed I walk into that room that day. A stroke of luck that bad could only be counted as the preordained I suppose. I don’t know, but there’s something about life that allows for the most twisted of things to become the norm, and the most normal of things to become something you fear.

And I fear not having them more than you could ever believe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Kohta….Kohta, make it stop….”

The whisper was unnerving, because he himself was unnerved.

It had been a long day. I was tired, and all I really wanted was to be back home in bed. Practice was over with, and for me that meant the liberty to rush on home and make that want a reality, much like I thought was on everyone else’s mind. I guess I was, -- am -- naïve. About a lot of things. My family, my friends, and most importantly, myself.

“Kohta….”

I could have sworn if it wouldn’t have been so childish, he might of covered his ears with his hands. When he looked up at me I felt helpless, his dark lashes short and pretty beneath dark bangs of equal stature. His eyes were pleading, the likes of which I hadn’t seen before, and I couldn’t handle it. I turned around, now a little shaken myself, seeking answers from the other set of eyes in the room. I didn’t get any, seeing as they were unforgiving enough to condemn me straight to the depths of hell, as if I were the cause of the problem. As if it were my fault. I wasn’t the cause of any problems and I sure as hell wasn’t to blame for anything. Back then at least.

“He’s right you know, this is…..”

Takeo wouldn’t finish the sentence. I guess he didn’t need to really. I knew how he felt.

“Kohta….can’t you hear it?”

I turned my attention back to those uneasy eyes, slightly intimidated by the drummer (although I wouldn’t admit it) and wanting to take my chances with someone else.

“Why are they doing this…why here …?”

His voice quavered and I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“Kohta,” Takeo’s voice was firm, sane unlike the voices that were soon to filter into my head. “Kirito is your brother. If you don’t do something….”

Maybe he could feel the confusion and helplessness radiating from my form, or maybe he took me for unwilling or dumb. Either way his voice dropped.

“Listen,” he hissed behind me, “Jun is upset, and I’m tired of this as well. One time in itself is horrendous enough -- this is just fucking ridiculous, crass, and too filthy for men of our age to be doing. This is the kind of thing that makes band members quit. Look at the poor guy Kohta,” I looked at the guitarist automatically, his eyes fixed on the wall as he sucked a cigarette down, “it’s messing with his head. He doesn’t deserve to put up with this kind of shit. And neither do I.”

I could see Jun was troubled by it. And I knew I should be too. The funny thing was, I really wasn’t.

“No one’s making him sit there,” I said quietly, almost angrily. Jun had begun tapping his foot.

I don’t know what made me say that, but I think it was at that moment things began going wrong. I could feel Takeo glaring at me.

“Kohta in case you haven’t noticed, your brother and his little boy toy, our guitarist, are fucking in the bathroom. The bathroom for Pierrot to use in our studio. In a normal sense, the way Jun had planned on doing so. So if you want to make any more stupid comments, you’d better get them out now before I start seriously losing my temper.”

Before I could respond, Jun began to speak.

“Kohta…..Koh-chan…..”

He stopped looking at the wall and slowly looked to my face.

“…..can’t you hear it?” the brunette repeated.

Yes, I could hear it, but I had been drowning it out. For my brother’s sake? For my own? I didn’t know, and it didn’t seem important that I should know. But yes, I could hear it.

Aiji’s voice.

I had never heard a man in rapture before. I honestly thought only girls raised their voices, made those sweet sounds that made the fire inside a man reach new heights. I knew it was a woman’s role to do so, at least in anything the media produced. So I could understand why it was shaking Jun so. His voice was so unlike his and yet so perfectly Aiji at the same time, his moaning soft and keen but loud and desperate to be heard. Desperate to please, and I think we were all sure that he was accomplishing his goal. Yet I couldn’t tell if it was the heated breathing and the sudden cries that upset the two of them, or if it was the sound of the guitarist’s body being pushed into the wall over and over again that was doing it. Maybe it was making them so uncomfortable because the mental image of two of their friends behaving in such a manner struck a chord. Maybe it was because they were two men. Maybe it was our innate fear of doing such things anywhere but our own bedrooms. Or maybe it was because Aiji’s voice was just as arousing as the women’s we so often fantasized about were.

A slight flush stained my cheeks.

It was hard for me to think that it was indeed my brother who was the cause of this. To make another human cry aloud the way Aiji did…..I also knew it was his wants that provoked them to behave in such a disruptive manner. Anything Kirito wanted from Aiji he got, and they made no show of hiding that fact either. I had watched year after year as the two had become more and more enamored with each other to the point where Aiji would do anything to get praise from his lover. I used to wonder a lot about what was in my own blood that could hold that much power over someone. Aiji had become my brother’s pet, and he was perversely proud of it. The both of them were. Takeo hated it. Jun was scared by it, Aiji’s smug looks and thinly veiled fawning seeming to threaten him. And I, I was indifferent, or so I thought myself to be. After all, the two of them still did what they were supposed to for work. Who was I to judge their love life? Who was I to judge Kirito’s decisions? I had been living by them all my life anyways.

“What do you want me to do,” I mumbled, still looking into Jun’s anxious eyes, but mind now focused on nothing more than every noise that made its way through the bathroom wall.

“Say something dammit! He’s your brother -- he won’t listen to the rest of us,” Takeo spat at my back, his nerves obviously frayed at the ends. Jun nodded slowly in agreement.

Well that was true enough. The more Kirito solidified his care for Aiji, the more his relationship with our drummer had deteriorated. They rarely talked nowadays. Jun had been fine until the first time he caught them doing this. From then on he had become nervous and bothered when the two became anywhere near intimate in front of us. So that left me as the messenger. But still, what the hell did he expect me to say? To do? Take my older brother aside and say “look, stop screwing your lover at practice, it’s pissing everyone off”? If he didn’t care enough not to do it in the first place, me saying something wouldn’t make a difference. I knew Kirito. He did what he wanted, when he wanted. Especially to Aiji. It was pointless to try and argue with him, and I for one didn’t want to. Takeo and Jun didn’t understand. I was his brother. I listened to him. I didn’t question. Things had always been like that, and in turn had always been comfortable. I wasn’t about to disrupt that, even for my band. No one forced them to hang around the restroom. If they didn’t agree with Kirito’s discretion, well then they could complain about it. Not me.

“Takeo, I really don’t see--”

The door opened.

Our heads turned.

Kirito walked out first, his shirt unbuttoned one notch lower than it was earlier, and wrinkled in certain places. His hair was a little more disheveled and covering his eyes, his hands shoved casually in his pockets. Not so much as a flinch of surprise showed as he strolled out calmly, nodding vaguely in our direction to tell us he acknowledged us. But at that moment I could have sworn he met my eyes, an iris gleaming from beneath his black bangs and sucking me in for a paralyzing second.

A slow smile spread on his lips.

I was taken aback, yet before I could react it was gone, his stroll smooth and uninterrupted like it had never happened at all, just a figment of my imagination. I turned quickly to see if I was the only one who had seen it. Jun had his eyes averted and was knotting his hands over one another; Takeo had his arms crossed over his chest, not something he normally did, and looked like he was ready to snap any second. But his head was turned aside as well, probably in disgust. I looked back at Kirito, confused, but his back was turned to me as he had stopped right before the door that lead back into the studio, looking over his shoulder once. I wanted to go to him, but the instant my foot shifted Aiji walked out of the restroom.

Of course he wasn’t waiting for me, he was waiting for Aiji.

He seemed a little shocked that we had all been listening, but his surprise quickly melted into delight as he stared defiantly at us all while making his way to my brother. His short violet hair was ruffled almost as if it was styled, but in reality was just a messy version of the smooth-downed strands he sported on a daily basis. A slight blush lingered on the crests of his cheekbones, and he shook his mane of hair once to move it out of his face and make sure we all saw the pink of his skin, because he was, without a doubt, cocky. He got like this whenever Kirito played with him in front of anyone. He held his head higher; his lips curled into a smug grin and his eyebrows lifted ever so slightly. His gait changed, his everything changed because his ego had been fed. Don’t get me wrong, Aiji wasn’t and still isn’t an egotistical guy. Quite the opposite, as I may have mentioned earlier. He needed the attention to feel anywhere near good about himself. And seeing how low he was without his lover’s notice, it was only natural that he should swing to another extreme when given it. He wasn’t the most normal of guys. None of us were.

“Kohta, either you say something right now or I say something that won’t be near as nice,” Takeo whispered as all of us eyed Aiji.

I didn’t need to look at Takeo to know both he and even Jun were burning holes into Aiji’s shining face with their gaze. Secretly I felt sorry for Aiji, although I would never voice the concern to them, because they believed all of this to be his fault. The Kirito Jun had met so long ago in that bar and the Kirito standing in that room then were two different men to him, and he didn’t understand how such a change could have taken place. All Takeo registered was the difference in Aiji’s flaunting and Kirito’s silence. But the both of them pinned Aiji as the instigator since the minute he joined the band. I think Takeo was convinced Aiji joined in order to start fucking Kirito to begin with, but I’m not sure. All I do know is the both of them think he’s some kind of slut -- that he’s the one seducing an otherwise flawless vocalist and friend into doing shit like screwing in the restroom during practice. But neither of them knew this wasn’t Aiji’s fault. Neither of them knew that Kirito hadn’t changed simply because of a lover --- that Kirito had always been that way and would continue to behave so until the end of his days. They didn’t know that this was my brother, that it was him who stood in the shadows pulling strings to suit his own desires. They didn’t know what he could do to a person once he got a hold of them. What he did with their weaknesses. What he did with their secrets. I knew, because I had been watching him all my life. I knew, because….

…well let’s just say I know now at least.

“Jun get up, let’s go look at that guitar of yours,” Takeo said normally enough while offering the guitarist a hand. He shot me a meaningful glare.

I took the hint. This time apparently all hell would break lose if something didn’t change.

Jun offered little resistance as Takeo pulled him out of the chair rather quickly, dragging him to the exit and shoving past Kirito and Aiji (who had taken it upon himself to play cute until he got kissed on the forehead) hurriedly. Kirito seemed unperturbed, but Aiji’s face soured briefly as Takeo pushed him out the way. I felt anxiety coil about in my chest. I really didn’t want to do this. But why? Why? I asked myself. I was in the right. Kirito couldn’t say much to that. Surely there was nothing to fear…Now was my chance.

“Oniisan,” I called out, walking towards him.

Aiji turned his head first, moving a little closer to his boyfriend in the process. Maybe he sensed what was coming. He didn’t like parting from my brother, especially when it was probably what he deemed as cuddling time. That’s what women liked after sex anyways, and even though he wasn’t one, he had us all fooled.

“Oniisan,” I said a little louder, and he finally looked at me.

“Yes, Kohta?”

God, how could he always sound so calm about everything?

He looked at me expectantly with dark eyes, an arm wrapping around Aiji’s waist. I tried not to look at the guitarist’s smile as he too stared back at me.

“I...I need to talk with you.”

I glanced at Aiji.

“….Alone.”

There was silence for a bit. Kirito looked over my face as if to predict what I was going to say and the seriousness of it. Satisfied, he looked to his lover.

“Aiji, wait for me outside will you?”

I expected a protest, but Kirito had him trained better than I thought. Instead of complaining, he nodded his head obediently and placed a quick kiss on my brother’s cheek, all the while looking at me out of the corner of his eye in a manner I couldn’t describe. Was I just imagining things? I thought to myself. First my brother, then my friend. But I blinked and it was gone, Aiji already walking out of the room to give us our privacy and Kirito eyeing him appreciatively the whole way.

“So Koh-chan,” he turned his attention back to my face, “what do you want to tell your oniisan?”

“Ano…..”

I looked at his face blankly, not sure what to say. I had never, well, had never said anything about his sexual life to him before…..even when he had started sleeping with that one boy back in high school and the rumors went flying. He’d never talked to me about the birds and bees, just like my parents hadn’t. I guess there was no need to really. We’d both learned fast enough, and we’d both taken different interests. I tried to keep the thought out of my mind really. I knew what happened to my body at those times. I knew what I felt, I knew what I wanted -- knew what I needed to be satisfied. To think of him feeling such things rather disturbed me….He was always so cool and calm; rational and undisturbed on a pedestal I watched from below. To think of him as lustful, to think of his skin flushed and heated…like mine became….like Aiji’s had been……it was too strange. But I could still hear Aiji’s cries in my head…cries of pleasure my brother had caused.

I looked at his pale face, looked into his dark eyes questioningly.

I didn’t want nor anticipate the thought I had had at that moment. My brother, my brother who did no wrong in my eyes, yet did everything there was to be damned….

…..what did he look like at such times?

I tried to picture it. Subconsciously I started with an image of myself, for we were born from the same womb, both of the same blood….An image of my own body hung over that of a random lover’s, a sheen of sweat covering my tanned skin…My eyebrows furrowed in perverse concentration…my breathing quickened, my blood pumping furiously….lips parted…

I tried harder to place his face over mine, to make my features his…

….my lover crying out beneath me….body supple and sweet as I pushed myself in deeper again and again…those moans of pleasure I loved so much, pale arms wrapped around my neck…Both of our hair slick with the sweat of our passion, my lover’s eyes lidded with ecstasy….

Calm, his face would be calm, I reminded myself. In control, not lost in a frenzy of hormones like I shamefully became…

….calling his name, loudly, like I had never heard my own name called….He would probably silence them with a kiss…

It wasn’t working. I kept seeing myself, my blonde hair, my thin back…

…crushing the cries into groans with my tongue, drowning out his name…tasting the strands of dyed hair caught in our mouths….Opening my eyes just as I forced myself in impossibly further, his eyes going wide in bliss and pain, violet hair strewn about the pillow…

My mind stopped, stunned.

No.

No….no….

“Koh-chan, why are you staring at me? Didn’t you have something to say?”

All I could see was myself, and Kirito’s lover…..

“I…I need to talk to you…”

I had been imagining myself inside Kirito’s boyfriend….I had been imagining myself touching what was my brother’s, what was his alone…

“…about Aiji,” I forced out, my throat dry, his eyes seemingly piercing and knowing.

I wanted to die at that moment, for I had never had such a horrible thought in all of my short life. I had never once touched my brother’s belongings without permission. I had never stolen from him. Never crossed him. I didn’t believe myself to be worthy of what he had, no matter what it was. Aiji was no exception.

I swallowed hard.

I didn’t even like men. I didn’t think about them like that. Women’s bodies pleased me, and I pleased them. No man wanted me like that. Especially not someone like Aiji. My brother, he had a charisma I lacked. He could have had anyone really. Sometimes it made me angry to think of it when I was younger. He was no more beautiful than I, and yet he was so sought after. It had always been the case. And even when he chose his own sex, the flock didn’t lessen, it just changed. But I soon came to accept it. After all, no one had loved me like Aiji loved him, because I didn’t deserve to be loved like that. It was true. I wasn’t special. I was a shadow of his, but no compliment. That’s why he was leader. Always. I just wanted to imagine him weak like me for a moment. I didn’t mean to betray him like that….

“What about Aiji?” he asked quietly, concerned but unreadable as to why.

“Oniisan…”

I was hesitant then, my eyes shifting to the floor.

“….it’s starting to upset the others that you behave the way you do with him sometimes.”

He was silent.

“…..How do I behave with him that displeases them so, Kohta?”

“You two…like today…Onii I didn’t want to say anything,” I added softly in hopes of appeasing him. I was still more than desperate to permanently erase that last thought from my mind.

“I know you didn’t Kohta,” he soothed. “You’re a good little brother…”

I looked at him abruptly, a faint smile on his face. His voice had been so…..so…

“Now tell me what they told you to say.”

…..That they had told me to say? Like he would say to me when we were younger…..like I couldn’t think for myself. I was used to it though.

“….It’s just that…you need to stop it Onii. You can’t keep doing whatever you want with Aiji whenever you want to….It’s upsetting the rest of the band.”

He looked into my eyes, unmoved in a way that could be quite eerie if you weren’t used to it.

“Is it now?”

There was the faintest hint of a smirk on his full lips. I wasn’t prepared for him to respond like that, if I was prepared at all.

“Well…,” I murmured, trying to think of a fitting strategy for such an unusual situation, “…why wouldn’t it….”

And then he laughed. Sometimes I really wondered if my brother had no shame with the things he did, or how stupid I must always sound to warrant such a response. Needless to say the response frustrated me. I may not have thought the situation was anything to quit the band about, but I didn't think it was something to be laughed at.

"Onii...," I murmured again, as if specifically addressing him held any sort of power whatsoever. I knew there was one word I could say to gain all of his attention, and most probably his displeasure as well, but I was afraid to say that. I had been for years; the last time I had called him by his real name he had decked me. Yes we had been younger and yes we had been fighting, but something about the use of his real name aroused something strange in him nowadays and I didn't want to see it again. Neither did my jaw.

"Well I can understand your concern dear brother, but tell me something," he asks, brushing a few hairs from his eyes. His hand finds its way back into his pocket and he looks up at me through those black strands, eyes alight with something challenging and intriguing.

"...is it really your concern?"

I looked at him. I wanted to look away, but I felt as if the moment I did so everything would come crashing down on my head and he'd grab me by the nape of my neck and shake the traitorous thoughts from my mind. I was already confused with his behavior and I knew soon enough the water would close over my head.

"....What?" I asked quietly.

"I mean, you've told me what they told you to say," he said so knowingly, "Now I want to hear what you have to say."

And I felt the water flood my lungs. He'd started something, and I'd already lost.

"I.....I..," I repeated, trying to think of something respectable and infallible, "....I think it's disrupting our work ethic."

"Is that so," he said absently with a slightly raised eyebrow, probably amused that I said 'work ethic'. His gaze moved to inspect beside us, as if he was calculating something. The minute Kirito begins pondering something his face becomes very frozen and mask-like, eyes glassy and distant. It is a perfect sight though, regardless of whether you find him attractive or not, the angles of his face in constant relief like something from a Noh play. His mask isn't nearly as easy to shatter though.

"Hmm..."

I waited. There wasn't anything else I could really do, at least I didn't think so at the time. Once I feel I'm drowning in Kirito's presence I rarely recover, and he knows that. Which is why the next thing that came out of his mouth was completely unnecessary, but compulsory on his part. Ever since I was a child there was certain way Kirito would go about speaking to me if he wanted my consent to something, but I had failed to realize it for a long time. Every time I fell for it, no questions asked.

"Tell me Kohta, how is it you feel about the situation? Not what you think."

He had already initiated the first step of reacting in an unexpected manner and thus confusing me. Second was to bait me into his web while I was too dazed not to know any better by asking for my opinion. And he knows I can't give it properly at that point anyways.

"We all know thinking isn't your forte anyways," he added in a strangely affectionate manner, as if that wasn't just an insult.

That was the third blow though, having pinned me where he wanted me. He'd always add a subtle barb to remind me who was in charge, and I would always get hurt and angry, and most importantly, speechless.

"Onii...,"I began again, my brows knitting in frustration.

"Come now Kohta, you can tell your oniisan. You can always tell me anything, you know that."

And despite the anger I could never yell at him when he spoke to me like that, his eyes now fixed fast on mine. His soft voice always made me feel loved somewhere even though I was far from a good person, and I was far too loyal by nature to be able to ignore that sensation, no matter how small or large it may be.

"Onii, I'm not sure I understand...," I lamented, looking at the floor for support.

"How did you feel when you heard Aiji's voice Kohta?" he persisted. "Annoyed? Disgusted?"

"Aiji's voice?" I repeated a little too quickly, inwardly wincing at the words falling from my mouth. My eyes froze on the floor as I instantly focused every ounce of my energy on not reacting. There was nothing I could have said without incriminating myself further and I was acutely aware of that. A sense of dread stirred in my gut, painful like a fist had punched my stomach and was only pushing deeper.

"I know he's loud and he knows I enjoy him more that way, so don't pretend it fell on deaf ears my brother."

Silence. Had he been any other man I would have been ready to brawl at such an insinuation, that I was listening or that a gave a damn to begin with, but he wasn't. Of course, I buckled. Unable to voice anything, I continued to let him take control of the situation; let him prod at me until he had had his fill in hopes that he would end this soon.

"Unless of course," he took a step closer to me, amusement clear in his dark eyes,

"...it excited you?"

My heart stopped.

In that brief sickly manner that made you shudder to think about it, my heart had skipped a beat, my eyes compulsively rising to meet my brother's. He knew, my mind screamed, he knew, he would reach inside my mouth and rip it from within me if I didn't confess that thought right now. I had thought that repeatedly, more so than I thought myself capable of thinking about anything so many times in a split second, at the time. That he was bringing all this up just to get even with me for that one thought.

"Onii -- I'm - I'm not like that -- I would never--," I blurted, the thought of Aiji's flushed face making heat rise to my cheeks again. Now I was scared.

"Really Kohta? I don't know, I don't think one has to bed men to enjoy the sounds of the submissive in rapture, do you?"

There was the logic, the click of the lock on the cage. I was too uncomfortable and too desperate not to say anything I could to stop this conversation, the telltale blush on my cheeks rapidly burning into a deep crimson. I wanted to bolt, push past him and just keep running until my mind blurred into nothing but exhaustion.

Some form of unintelligible gurgle rumbled in my throat.

"Are you trying to tell me you wouldn't enjoy having someone at your mercy like that if given the chance?" he pressed, physically closer to me as well. He wouldn't let up until I conceded, but how could I concede to my own betrayal? I loved Kirito too much to fall into that line of thinking even if it was him pushing me into that pit. It was only a thought Kirito, I wanted to say so badly, it didn't mean anything at all, it was just a stupid slip of the mind, nothing more...

"The thought of taking a loved one on the spot not stimulating enough for you?"

The blush was creeping down my neck and finally something forced its way out of my mouth. I looked straight at him as I spoke, hoping he took my embarrassment as a normal reaction to his perversion.

"Kirito, this isn't about---"

His eyes narrowed, voice becoming lower and sharp.

"I see the way you look at him Kohta. Don't take me for a fool."

Kirito knew everything after all. I had no cover, no where to run, nothing to defend myself with. He knew more than I did, even about myself. I remember feeling bile rise in my throat at that statement, unable to tell if he was condemning my behavior or attempting to encourage it, his wrath hovering just inches above my head. Had I ever laid eyes on Aiji? I asked myself quickly, scanning my memories. Had I ever said something shameful to him jokingly or when drunk? Of course I was appreciative of him, I thought, he made my brother content. Kirito took such a great interest him, and I admired Kirito so much, so it was only natural I admired Aiji as well, right? But my eyes had never conveyed more than that, had they? Did I harbor anything to convey to begin with? I had had girlfriend after girlfriend since they had become lovers, the last one far more pleasing to they eye than Aiji's appearance...Why would I look to him with lust in my gaze? He didn't even look like a woman dammit, it didn't make sense...

I was so confused at that moment it was pitiful.

"Don't ever take your older brother for a fool Kohta, unless you want your life to become a lot more difficult."

I felt a hand brush my cheek and I flinched, shying away from it. He let his hand drop beside him at my reaction.

"I didn't say -- you're not -- Onii please don't do this to me....," I ended miserably.

I wanted out. Why was he always so harsh on me for making mistakes? To touch me like that, his cool fingers burning more than my blood upon contact. I couldn't even look at him, so scared was I of hearing Kirito's truth, a truth I knew I would make my own, consciously or unconsciously.

"Do what Kohta? All I ever do is hold up a mirror to your lovely face, nothing more."

"Onii please," I begged softly, "I don't want to fight..."

Maybe it was the broken tone of my voice, or the fact that I had lost all ability to look into his face, but the sadist in Kirito relented. His voice went back to its normal, lulling tone.

"We're not fighting, don't worry...," he soothed, "..I'm not angry with you."

I was eager to make amends, my mind stumbling over those words but unable to stop in repentance.

"I don't know what to do, they keep saying I'm your brother and you'll only listen to me and--"

At this he sighed gently, as if realizing how close he was pushing me into breaking down. He laid a hand on my shoulder, not grasping tightly but successfully keeping me from degenerating further with the masculine action. Kirito wasn't a very physical person, but he had always been so with me, whether it be in a positive or negative sense. I could only assume Aiji was the only one other than myself he touched when speaking to.

"I know Kohta, I know. And you are, but we both know no one knows me as well as you do, don't we? You can't expect them to understand."

There was a wistful, distant murmur that followed that, but only now do I fully realize the meaning of what he said.

"I expect you to understand though...Or come to understand in any case."

He exhaled deeply, bringing a hand up to run it through his hair. I prayed a conclusion to this episode was coming, focusing my gaze on his shoulder to show my agreement.

"If you come to my place tomorrow night, you can tell them it won't happen again and I'll 'shorten Aiji's leash' so to speak. I think we have something very important to discuss, don't you?"

I was surprised to hear that be the conclusion, but I would have agreed to anything right about then. He could have told me to march up to Takeo and tell him to go fuck himself and I would have, regretting it only after Kirito was out of my presence.

"Y-yes..."

I had no idea what he wanted to discuss; that fear would assault me after the conversation. I had only been over to his place once since Aiji had moved in, and it was slightly awkward so I avoided further invitation. I should have realized that sounded foreboding, but I think my tendency for complacency has been made clear. That's all I could think about when it came down to the pathetic truth -- Kirito not being angry with me. So long as that initial conflict could be resolved everything else could come later.

"You're such a good little brother Kohta, really," he stated tenderly, "I couldn't have asked for more."

Before I could react, arms folded around me as if I were young again, my knee scraped and bleeding, tears trickling down my cheeks. I closed my eyes instinctively, not resisting. I'm not ashamed to admit that I like to be held, that I like the sensation of someone else's body warmth mingling with my own. I felt as if it were proof yet again that no one could ruin our bond, that even though the others were putting me up against my brother he was noble enough to see through it and continue to have faith in my being. Everything else would melt away from my brain when I felt he cared for me, was still watching over me, ready to rescue me from my own inadequacies. How could Takeo have expected me to ruin what we had? I was so grateful Kirito had the grace to make things easy for me despite my blunder, I was almost tempted to argue on his behalf with Takeo, despite the complete lack of logic that would entail.

"Thank you," I may have whispered, or maybe I said his name, I don't remember. My own embrace encompassed his torso as I hugged him back, letting him hold me for as long as he deemed necessary. He hummed something in acknowledgement, and after an unusual amount of time had passed he finally let go of my body. As he looked at me so impassively, a weak smile formed on my face, but it was one of genuine happiness. I know he could tell.

"Shall we join the others?"

I nodded. He smiled, a hint of his straight teeth peeking through.

I only wish I had realized at that point that once you were caught in Kirito's web, there was no being set free.

~*~

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