Mask of Tears

Title: Mask of Tears

Author: Tashy

Email: bloody_powder_snow@hotmail.com

Archive: sure...

Comments: Well, this is one of the first kirito x kohta fics that I

wrote...it's in first person, and each part is from someone else's

perspective. yes. this one is from Kirito's perspective. ^^

Genre: Romance, Angst....o.o;

Rating: PG-13?

Pairing: Kirito x Kohta, Takeo x Aiji, Kohta x Jun...I think that's

it?

Let me know if I should post the other parts. u.u; there is a total

of five, and i -was- writing an epilouge...maybe i'll work on it

later. ^^;

***

The enthusiasm is intense.

It's like this every time we have a live. The crowd roars and we all

prance around wasting our energy. My voice is usually shot

afterwards, not only from singing but also from screaming. Fanservice

is a must, and Aiji is my frequent partner. I almost want to seek

something more with him, I want to see what would happen if we went

past fanservice and started a relationship. But then there's always

the little thing nagging in the back of my head...

Well, I suppose he's not little. Anymore, that is. He's taller than

me after all, so he can't be as small as I imagine him. Yes, he's

always back there, 'grooving' to the music if you will, keeping in

perfect time and perfect rhythm. I don't think he realizes how much

he contributes to the band, and during lives he is essential to

keeping the songs the way the fans want them.

I know he'll always be back there too. No matter what problems I

face, what tears I shed, what things I have to deal with, he'll

always be there, backing me up one-hundred percent. Because he loves

me.

Oh kami-sama, why does he have to love me?

Everytime I look back there I can just see him grinning at me,

radiating with this warm love that I can feel but can't see. And...it

hurts. I wish he hated me, I really do, but he looks up to me so much

it's horrible. Because I'm a horrible person. I don't want him to

turn out like me one day.

Ah me....and who am I exactly? Am I still Murata Shinya? Or is he

dead and Kirito has taken over his body?

I'll never be sure.

But I'm sure that Shinya wouldn't have fallen in love with his

brother.

Yes, it's wrong. Entirely wrong and forbidden, an evil taboo. But

it's not like you can stop feelings. He's so warm and soft, so sweet

and concerned, so cute and funny. I always want to smile when I'm

near him because he's so damn *loveable*. And yet, at the same time I

want to cry. Because I know that I can never have him.

He's my little brother, and I'd go with him to the end of the world.

And yet I always wonder if we weren't brothers, would I still be

attracted to him? Would I date him? These answers will remain unknown

too.

I wonder if he notices, when I hug him, I wonder if he notices that I

squeeze a little harder than I would do with Jun or Takeo. That my

smiles are genuine for him, that my mask seems to dissapear around

him.

And that's why I could never pursue something with Aiji, although

he's hinted around about it. My brother has stolen my heart, and I

doubt I'll ever get it back. I wouldn't want to date someone but love

someone else. That's not fair to Aiji.

During some songs Aiji and Jun will run around and leave me alone

center stage, attention focused on me and my voice. It used to scare

me, until I realized that whenever that happened Kohta was behind me.

Always. That made me feel so happy. Of course Takeo is back there

too, naturally. Those are the two people I can count on to back me up

the most. My 'otousan' Takeo, and my love, my otoutochan Kohta. He'd

go to the end of the world for me, like I would for him, that's how

deep his admiration and innocent love runs. Jun and Aiji are flighty,

they run around too much, they aren't too solid.

Another reason why I wouldn't want to be with Aiji. I need someone

stable.

He likes to pretend to be a tough guy, but I've watched him grow up

and I've seen the softer side of him. Perhaps that is the side I fell

for. If I even fell for him at all! Maybe my mind is just trying to

make me even more different. I can see it now. 'Shocking news! Kirito

from Pierrot not only gay, but incestuous as well!'

That would just go over great with everyone.

Kamisama only knows what Kohta would do if he knew.

Tthat's why I will never tell him, why I'll continue to love him from

a distance, why I'll probably be alone for the rest of my life. But I

don't care. As long as my little brother finds love and is happy, I'm

okay. Because my mask can be my lover, my mask can keep me company

for eternity.

Kohta, please don't love me anymore. Please don't admire me. I'm too

messed up. Take advice from me, dear brother, don't ever fall in love

with a family member. Too much pain.

And these are the thoughts that run through my head almost every

live. I try to forget everything, I try to just concentrate on the

music, but it usually never works.

I wonder if any of them ever notice that after a live my face is not

only wet with sweat but with tears?

[next chapter]