Mask of Tears

Title: Mask of Tears

Author: Tashy

Email: bloody_powder_snow@hotmail.com

Archive: sure...

Comments: Well, this is one of the first kirito x kohta fics that I

wrote...it's in first person, and each part is from someone else's

perspective. yes. this one is from Kohta's perspective

Genre: Romance, Angst....o.o;

Rating: PG-13?

Pairing: Kirito x Kohta, Takeo x Aiji, Kohta x Jun...I think that's

it?

I just want to say thank you to everyone who replied and YES, YOU MAY

ARCHIVE MY KxK FICS IN THAT KxK ARCHIVE! WOO! ^___^ ::happy::

***

All I can see is him.

His leg goes like mine does sometimes, sometimes he dances, sometimes

he merely sings his heart out in a raw voice.

And sometimes, I want to cry.

I hide it so well. You think you're the only one who knows how to put

up a mask, dear oniichan? Well it must run in the family because,

believe it or not, I've got one too.

It protects me from your criticism, from the pain, from your

affection. Because if I drink it up too much, I might start believing

things that aren't true.

Like that you could possibly love me more than you're supposed to,

that we could possibly live together for eternity, that I could

possibly be happy.

Well I guess I'm happy now. I've got a good stable life, good money,

great friends, and a brother who loves me. But just how much does he

love me? It confuses me. He'll hug me after a live, or drape his arms

over my shoulders, and butterflies will flutter in my stomach. And

for some reason, some odd, delusional reason, I'll think that just

for a moment he loves me like I do him. I'll think that just for a

moment I can feel his soul crying out to me, trying to tell me

something. But then those arms are gone and I'm left along again in

my cold little world. Without him.

It hurts me so much when he scolds me at practice because this is his

dream, to have a sucessful band and play music from his heart, and I

feel like I'm ruining it by playing the wrong chord or coming in at

the wrong time. But I'm always so sorry. And it hurts when they laugh

at me because I screwed up, it hurts when he makes fun of me, it

hurts so much. But I raise my head and laugh along with them, because

that's what Kohta would do.

What Kohta would do...hah. I feel like I have to be someone else

around them, just to keep my little secret a secret. But no one

should have to feel this way...so why do I?

I love lives. The fans and their screaming fuels my energy and I just

want to play till I drop dead. I try to show him silently that I care

so much about him; I stand behind him, I'm always there. I'm trying

to prove to him that I'm not just some dumb little brother, that I'm

my own person and that I'm a man too and that I deserve love too.

That I will never leave him.

Other times I run off with Jun to one side the stage. Just for a

distraction. He's my closest friend and I love him to pieces. I don't

know how he feels about me and frankly, I could care less at this

point in my life. My oniichan is all that matters in the relationship

department right now.

Oniichan...I love you so much. You're my inspiration, my idol, the

one I look up to the most, the one I would die for, the one I can go

to for anything. I wish we could go back to the childhood days when I

used to crawl into your bed during a storm and you would hold me and

tell me comfortingly and lovingly that it would be alright, that you

would protect me. But don't you need to be protected too?

I wish...kamisama, how many things I wish. I wish I could protect

you. But I...I'm too weak. I don't know how my brain got this way, or

how I decided that I felt this way about you...but I must be

defective.

And that's why I have to look up to you. You're the perfect brother

and me? I'm just some dumb little brother wreck that doesn't know

anything. I bet your ashamed, ashamed to be related to me. I bet you

grimace every time you have to show me to someone, because I'm just

so damn pathetic.

I wish I could be held in your arms and be told now that it's

alright, that people would understand, that we could be together.

That will never happen.

Why do I even bother depressing myself with these thoughts? My

oniichan loves me like a brother should and I should love him that

way too. But I just can't.

And after lives end and after the drinking fest is over I drag my

pathetic, tall body home to wallow in my sorrows until the next day

when I can see him again. Everytime I see him I feel elated and then

shot down. It's great and sad at the same time. Heh. I never thought

I'd turn out this way, but life's little pranks just sneak up on you

all the time, huh?

Maybe in another time, another life, things will be different

and 'us' can be normal and not forbidden.

But for now, my idol, my dream, my love, my onii...

...you'll have to share your mask with me as I live this cruel life.

[next chapter]