Mask of Tears

Title: Mask of Tears

Author: Tashy

Email: bloody_powder_snow@hotmail.com

Archive: sure...

Comments: Well, this is one of the first kirito x kohta fics that I

wrote...it's in first person, and each part is from someone else's

perspective. yes. this one is from Jun's perspective..yeah ^^; it's

BAD.

Genre: Romance, Angst....o.o;

Rating: PG-13?

Pairing: Kirito x Kohta, Takeo x Aiji, Kohta x Jun...I think that's

it?

***

Things are just so complicated, aren't they?

I suppose I should be saying, 'life is so complicated.' But things

are a part of life so I guess it works. Kamisama, I'm starting to

confuse myself. Oh well. Not like that hasn't happened before.

I love him. I love him so much. More than is humanly possible. More

than I can seem to grasp.

But I know he doesn't feel anything like that for me.

He thinks no one notices, doesn't he. Heh, what a delusional

youngster. I see it all. I see the glances towards him, the longing

looks of love, the softening of his eyes, the way he melts into his

hugs. Oh, how I see it all.

And oh, how it pains me.

The lives. The lives distract me. They give me something else to

focus on, someone else to focus on, anything but him and the dumb way

he feels about his brother.

I play and let my tongue peek out of my mouth and bounce around like

a happy chipper Jun. I wonder what happened to him. Honestly, I

really haven't seen the happy Jun in a couple months. Did I lose him?

Or perhaps just misplaced him somewhere. Either way he's not here

anymore. Not like any of my friends would be able to tell.

And there are those rare moments when I'm alone with Kohta, when

Kirito and Aiji are off on some side of the stage pulling the moves

on each other, when I can flirt and do whatever I want. And of course

I do. After smiling and grinning and laughing at him for the brief

moment I can, after seeing him do the same, after us doing whatever

we feel like doing, I shyly look into his eyes.

The only thing I see there is pain.

That hurts. That hurts...so bad. That I can't make him as happy as I

want him to be. That the only one who really can is...his blood

relative. Ouch. Now THAT burns.

It must be so hard for him. Kamisama, I can't even *imagine* how hard

it would be to be in love with your sibling...not to mention your

MALE sibling at that. Does he feel that same searing pain I do? Does

he cry at night like I do? Does he wish for one day, for one moment,

for one instant where he can be told that it's okay, that everything

is fine and good and dandy and that his love loves him back that way

too?

What delusions of grandeur we humans hold.

And there are those other, more frequent, times when me and Aiji pair

up together and back-to-back we play our hearts out. In many ways

Aiji and myself are similar. He may be skinner than me, and he may be

considered sexier, or more beautiful than me, but we both have fallen

for people we can never have.

Yes, that's right, Kirito loves my...his....Kohta too.

But neither of them can see that, and that just fuels the growing

fire destroying my heart.

HOW can they not see it?! It's so lucid it blinds, so painstakingly

obvious it makes me angry. Not only do I notice Kohta's stares, but I

notice how Kirito whole-heartidly returns them. The looks, the eyes,

the hugs, the squeezes...I see them all. Oh, I know they all think

I'm just some bubbly anime otaku that's dense and easy to make fun

of, but they're all wrong. I notice things too. Besides, who could

miss this? I can answer my own question. Kohta and Kirito, of course.

Naturally. That's just the way fate has played them, I suppose.

I wish that I was strong enough to tell them both, to hook them up,

to finally see him HAPPY...

...but this one little part of me tells me that I never can. Why

should I ruin the little hope that, since he thinks Kirito will never

love him, he'll turn to me for the love he needs? I'd give it to him

in an instant, I'd give him everything I had...hell, I'd give anyone

everything I had if they'd just make him mine. I want him so bad I

clutch my pillow to my chest at night and in my salty tears I stroke

the top and pretend his silky hair is underneath my fingers instead

of rough cotton.

It looks like I won't have hope anymore, though.

After any other live we would have gone drinking and then headed

home, each to our own private lives, our own private thoughts...our

own private pains. But this live was different, and it ruined my life.

Sure, we went drinking of course. It was then that Takeo pulled Aiji

and myself aside and told us his plan.

I didn't like it of course. I objected. But nothing was going to stop

our otou-san. He's a very pushy person, once he puts his mind to it.

So I left. Got up and straight-out walked from the bar, pushed myself

into the car and left. Tears greeted my pillow as soon as my head hit

it and as I pounded my fists and feet against the comforter and told

myself that life was never fair...

...I wondered if any of them had noticed the blood splash across the

walls of the bar as my heart had finally broken and fallen to the

dirty ground.

[next chapter]