Mask of Tears

Title: Mask of Tears

Author: Tashy

Email: bloody_powder_snow@hotmail.com

Archive: sure...

Comments: Well, this is one of the first kirito x kohta fics that I

wrote...it's in first person, and each part is from someone else's

perspective. yes. this one is from Aiji's perspective.

Genre: Romance, Angst....o.o;

Rating: PG-13?

Pairing: Kirito x Kohta, Takeo x Aiji, Kohta x Jun...I think that's

it?

AHAHA THIS PART IS SO STUPID. xD Now that I read over it. Agh. Yeah,

in case you didn't know this fic is like uber old ^^; but I hope you

enjoy it! Only one more part and an epilouge to go! woo!

***

Sometimes I wonder if things like this are really supposed to happen,

or if you've done something in the past that has made something like

this your punishment.

Because this seems like punishment to me. Except I can't see what I

ever did wrong.

Or perhaps it's what they did wrong. But what could they have done?

There I go again, letting my thoughts wander. Baka Shinji.

I know Jun sees it. I know I see it. And of course Takeo sees it. So

why can't they?

Why can't they come out of their stupid hiding places and throw their

feelings at each other?! It makes me so frustrated, it makes me want

to smash my guitar against the stage and watch the fans gasp in shock

as I take Kirito by the shoulders and tell him to smart up and

realize that Kohta feels that way for him.

And then maybe his eyes would widen, and he would lower his head and

my hands would loosen on his shoulders, then drop to my sides deftly.

And maybe he would approach his brother who would be as shocked as

the crowd, I'm sure, and maybe he would tell him.

Oops, I missed my opening. Damn. Kirito's going to complain about

that after the live.

Or maybe they'll never get together. Maybe they will both be stuck on

the inside, consumed with misery, and Jun and I will be stuck on the

outside watching. That makes me frustrated too. We both care so much

for those brothers, but they care too much about each other to

notice. Or care.

Well...I guess it's not fair to say that. I know they care, I can

feel the little something there in those lost kisses he gives me

during fanservice. It was that little something that...drove me over

the edge.

I don't know when it happened, or how it happened, or even why it

did, but when I realized that I loved Kirito more than the friendly

way, I totally lost myself.

It was like I was drowning in some invisible pool that no one could

see, and if no one can see it then no one can save me, can they. I

was being torn to shreds, my insides were being torn to shreds, and

all that was left was this little bit of Aiji that wasn't even

enought to be *considered* Aiji.

Why am I calling myself Aiji?

It's sad really, when you lose all feeling for your real name.

Shinji. That's a nice name. I don't know why I wanted to change it,

really. Guess I didn't want Shinji to be tainted with Aiji's doings.

That's why I don't like it when Kirito calls me Shinji sometimes. I

don't want Shinji to have the burden that Aiji does.

But now I've gone off track. I was gone. Destroyed. Annihilated.

Or so I thought.

It was after that live a few months ago that I went out with Takeo.

It was an innocent offer, he decided he wanted to treat me out to

dinner because I wasn't "being myself". Being myself? Hah. How do

they dare claim they know who I am? All I am is some lonely, wannabe

rock star who has fallen in love with the wrong guy.

And we dined, and it was nice talking with him. He's such a nice

person. I bet he had a wonderful childhood, with wonderful parents

and friends. We talked about so many things, and soon he had tricked

me into telling him that I cared for Kirito.

I felt so ashamed. My eyes lowered to my plate and I tried not to let

the tears fall.

But all he did was tug at my hand. "Aiji, come here.." he had said,

and I had obeyed and stood, letting myself be pulled into a warm hug.

It felt so nice. Finally there was some kind of affection towards

*me*.

Then he took me back to his apaato.

Like I said before, I don't know what provoked me to do it, but I

slept with Takeo. And have been sleeping with him ever since. After

every live, I go to his apaato and we share something special,

something that Kirito cannot and will never give me.

No one else knows. It's just a little something to ease my pain, to

slowly find the pieces of myself in that ocean of nothingness and

glue them together, but I'm so scared. I'm so scared that I'll fall

for him, that then he'll tell me it was just something he was doing

for a friend, that he'll tell me he doesn't feel the way I do and

walk away.

And leave me alone. All alone. Forever.

Kamisama, that's a scary thought.

Why do I think of these things at a time like this? I should be

concentrating on the music, on the fans, on the carefully planned

scheduale and whatnot, but I can't help but letting my mind wander.

Guess that proves how weak I am.

Jun and I are so weak. He's my best friend. He tells me everything.

We discussed getting Kirito and Kohta together. We couldn't discuss

it for very long, however, before breaking down into tears at the

thought of not even having a chance at the two men we each love.

My heart bleeds when I think of that night.

It doesn't matter anymore though.

After tonight's live we go to the bar we always go to. A nice little

place, with decent people and good drinks. And Jun and I are pulled

aside. Kohta shoots us a wierd look and I shrug as we are taken away.

Takeo is such a forward person. I wanted to slap him so badly, for

making Jun do that. Jun just...he...ran. Stormed out.

Whereas I had a different reaction.

I just stood there. Numbly stood there. And stared at him. The only

comfort he offered was a smile and a squeeze of my shoulder before

telling me quietly I should go back to my apaato for the night. He'd

see me later after his plan was completed.

And I smiled. I walked back to the table, grabbed my lovely guitar

and, hugging it to my chest with a smile, I left.

I hope Kohta will make Kirito happy. I really do. I don't know what I

would do if Kirito was unhappy and blank the rest of his life.

...I also hope that Takeo will be late.

Because I don't want him to see me adding bloody scars to the growing

number on my tall, dumb, tortured body.

[next chapter]