Running in the Family

kohta

My eyes hold his for a single endless moment, before he leans down and kisses Jun full-heartedly.

I smile a little forced and turn around to face the screaming crowd, almost going mad with the sexy sight before them. He knows how to fascinate the masses.

He knows how to tease.

I'm easily teased by him.

Sweat. Salt. Thirst...Him...hunger...ravaging through me.

Forgetting about these thoughts while I jump towards the faceless masses down there. If only there was one face that would mean something more to me.

They all look pleased and happy, but there is nothing personal between us. Just a short meeting between us, then nothing is left.

I become a memory in their heads and they are another crowd in mine. In this very mindsplitting moment they are almost the most important people in the whole dark world to me. Burning in them is me, they're burning on my skin and in the retina of my eyes.

The show is going on, he's finally parted from Jun's lips and now he comes up to me, smiling, his lipstick a little smeared I notice. His eyes shining from the endorphins circling through his veins and he's really high. Sneaking his arms around my shoulders he sings into my ear. His warmth seeps through onto my skin... I try to get away from him and squirm free.

I see him, squirming on a bed of blue silk...body in motion... taboo... the last taboo. Being touched by him, melting, freezing... exchanging...

Where is this leading to?

He is too high to notice and sings on.

Diving to the right side of the stage I put some distance between us.

It's dangerous to be close to him.

And for me it's even worse.

But this concert will end and everything will be just fine, like always.

Don't dream, just lock out your wishes. Close these doors before unwanted, unbidden thoughts and desires enter and lead to forbidden actions. Just keep it on the inside and everything is peachy – just fine.

kirito

I enter his apartment after kicking off my shoes. He has just tumbled out of bed it seems. His hair is a blond chaos of strands and there are dark circles running around his eyes. He's looking older than me... Which is, our age difference given, a strange idea.

I drop down to a few cushions lying around on the floor and hear him yawn in the kitchen while preparing some hot water for tea. I smile. What was he up to the night before?

"Do you want me to go?" I ask him.

He comes in and looks at me perplexed. "Why?"

"You don't look so hot. Was it fun at least?" I tease him. I can't help it, love to tease him. His look asks me 'what the hell are you talking about?'.

"Sorta. I ditched my lover. Great." His sarcasm sounds tired and worn out, his looks reflected in his voice.

"Again?"

How many more will he keep just for a week or two, feeling bad and worthless afterwards?

"Won't you tell your big brother about it?"

He laughs alien and empty.

Then he leaves to make tea for us. I don't want any, actually, but it surely is nice to warm the hands as I wrap them around the tea-mug.

Silence spreads heavily and seems to make everything so complicated. Since when have we two ever been so uncomfortable around each other?

I've known him for all his life.

I've watched him being pampered. I've seen him hurt, in pain.

I've shared lots of laughter and secrets with him.

Where is that intimacy now?

kohta

How long will I be able to stay calm?

Like the sea, hiding a mysterious and dangerous secret deep under a misleading peaceful surface.

Stay like the sea.

What if there is a tsunami?

Come to face it I'm feeling nervous and uneasy around him.

His fingers are wrapped around his cup and I can see the tension in them.

Why should he be anxious?

Such sensual hands, his own, made to give pleasure. Made to hold a mic and maybe my welfare.

Ignorant fool, teasing me.

Oh, how I want those hand to surround me like that cup.

Dangerous terrain.

Stay out!

Not one little step further.

Danger! Danger!

Back to safer grounds.

Asking me to tell him about it, reminding me, that he is my big brother....

How kind of him.

Brother.

Related. Sharing the same blood, the same DNA patterns, or something superficial like that.

But sometimes I just wish.... Wish....

For so much and yet... so little. Like a kid, like the damned fool that I am.

Maybe move a tiny bit closer to him... Just close enough to feel the warmth of him. Just close enough to let him know, that I do exist. That I am a person, not just a little brother. Not his little appendix.

I am myself, my own very self.

Even though I sometimes feel like it's a curse.

And that I am made of living and longing flesh. I am imprisoned in this flesh.

I wish I could shed it, become another improved me, without strange longings and feelings.

A clean little brother, a me without fault and fail.

Impossible, like all my dreams.

But being close to him puts me in danger of thinking...maybe even doing things, that are impossible to think or do.

What a selfish wish.

That's what I am, selfish and evil.

What is wrong with me? Tell me, big brother.

The one thing I can never ask you.

Like a blind spot between us it hangs, killing all that was there before, leaves us like strangers.

His delicate hands are wrapped around a cup of tea. The tea is hot, I hope he will not burn his fingers.

Not those lovely fingers. Not his silky looking skin...feeling the texture with my eyes...

But he's the older one of us, I guess he knows what to do.

And he knows what don't to do.

He knows the laws of being human.

I rather want to forget them.

I remember asking Jun: "Aren't you embarrassed when he kisses you in public?"

Jun laughed in a cute way, as if he was at least a little embarrassed.

"It's all for the fans, you know. They love it, when he does that."

"But, how do you feel?"

"It's fun." he giggles and I see mischief in his eyes. "And it's hard to concentrate, cause he's such a great kisser."

It was meant as a joke, but I feel myself tense at once.

Great kisser?

I am the only one who should never ever put this statement to a test.

I am the one cursed to watching.

I am his little brother.