Title: Yuugai no Tenshi -Beginning-
Rating: R. might go up.
Warnings: language, adult themes, Drug-use, Incest, and future sexual content.(the 5 best things to have in a love story)

"Must we commit taboo just to be together?"
close your eyes, rushing to death on instinct
"Must we commit taboo in order to ignore justice?"
close your eyes, choose and take by your instinct.

The sky ripped open, I stood paralyzed, the damaging angel that fell to earth.
whispers "the time has come" in my ears
the sky crying out, I cry out, hoping to be moved by something
to force out this passionate feeling I have for you.

"Yuugai no Tenshi (Damaging Angel)"--Pierrot.
*~*~*~*

The beginning. You want to know where something like this started, right? In all honesty I don’t know if I can tell you. Because I myself don’t know.

Between me and Kohta? I would like to think that it was brought on by the manipulation of the drugs and abuse I’ve suffered over my short life. But of course, deep down, I know it was there from the start.

I was always particularly protective over him, sometimes to a scary point. But hey, if I wasn’t, who else would look out for him? Surely not our parents.

They werent around. Plain and simple. And when they were we were either ignored or abused. Verbally and psychically.

I made sure I got most of the wrath, no matter whose fault it really was. Sometimes there was no fault at all, just all that screaming for nothing. But I still wanted it directed towards me, perhaps we could have atleast one sane person in this family if my father spared Kohta and came at me instead? It seemed to work, but as you know, I fucked him up anyways.

Because of these issues, I was sucked into the wrong direction as a way to escape. It really started at 15. I drank then, experimented with various drugs. I liked the feeling of other-wordlyness. I felt like I had control then, In a time I knew I had no control at all.

My life was on a steady downfall at 19. I lived alone, in a small, crappy little apartment in the city working any job I could, only to feed my various addictions. Kohta, of course, still lived at home, yet he came to visit. It was obvious he worried about me.

He had no idea what I was involved in, but he could see something wasn’t right. He constantly asked me if I was comfortable there, if I had been feeling okay, and that I could always come back home if things didn’t work. I think he actually wanted me to come home, and not just saying it to be nice.

I admit. I was very lonely. But I couldn’t go back. I had worked too hard to get away from that place to just drag myself back and put myself through hell again. That’s how it started. I was lonely, I missed my brother, So I brought him down with me.

Sometimes I wonder if I subconsciously planned on doing this to him, because it worked out far too perfectly. It was a weekend, I invited him to the city for a party with my “friends” (AKA my suppliers and the people I mooched off of) and he agreed.

The night went by fine. Though I knew he was eyeing my “friends”. He could tell something wasn’t right about them either, it was the same look he always gave me. Sometimes I wonder why he didn’t just ask me. He obviously knew something bad was going on, but he never said a word.

After he had drank a bit, it was then I had him alone and coaxed him into doing the unthinkable. Something that ultimately ruined him for life, and made him mine forever.

He stared questionably at the pills in his hand, narrowing his eyes to pull his vision back together, Which was apparently unfocusing due to his drunkness. He seemed confused.

“They’re just pills” I said. How untrue that was.

He looked up at me and something cleared in his eyes, like he had finally figured me out. This is what he had been “sensing”. His dear older brother and idol was a drug addict. Go figure.

He was too young. Granted I was only a year younger than him when I was sucked into this world. But who am I? Did anymore care what happened to me? Did they have hopes I would become someone special? No, not at all. But Kohta was different. So very different from me. He is not senseless, even now he thinks before he does anything. He plans his actions , does what is best for him and the people around him. This is not me. I will do anything, not thinking of its outcome. That is how I got here in the first place.

“What will happen” he asked. His voice lowering a bit, mine did as well. No one was around us, we were alone in the hallway of a strangers house. A dimly lit one.

I paused before I spoke. At this time I really wanted him to take them. Because I wanted him to feel what I did. He hurt inside as badly as I did with what has happened to us growing up, only he had no escape. He locked up his feelings and let them sink into his heart until he thought his chest would collapse, then go about the day with a fake smile. I didn’t want to see him suffer anymore.

“Every fear, emotion, and rational thought will disappear. Only to be replaced with something inviting. You will have control over everything you thought you didn’t.”

That seemed to be a good enough reason for him.

I did not leave his side the entire night. This was his first time, and I didn’t want it to be ruined by a bad experience…because then he wouldn’t want to do it again. And that is exactly what I didn’t want to happen.

This is another way we are different. When influenced he is not reckless like I am. He becomes more observant and fairly quiet. He just likes to indulge in it for what its worth, concentrate on the feelings coursing through his spine and the things racing in his thoughts.

That, is where the first half of our relationship began. And it is nothing compared to the other side.